As most will probably remember, in late April, my great aunt Millie's doctors all recommended hospice care for her. I listened to my heart, and decided against hospice in favor of a nursing/ rehab center...wanting to give aunt Millie (who's always had such a positive attitude; beat cancer twice) a fighting chance.
To the doctors surprise (but not mine), my great aunt improved...began eating again, gained weight (from 87 to 96 lb), and definitely wanting to come home again; was very unhappy in the nursing center. On June 3rd, her doctor agreed to let her come here, but advised me her the recovery might be temporary; she still had very serious health issues which weren't going away; he still recommended a hospice, if no other reason my great aunt's quality of life....tonight I finally realize in totality what he meant.
After a couple weeks of doing relatively well at my home, aunt Millie began experiencing weakness and chest pain. A doctor visit and chest x-ray revealed pneumonia last week, and things have went downhill ever since. Tonight aunt Millie lies in Wellstar Douglas hospital...she virtually stopped eating again last week, was rushed by ambulance to the hospital yesterday morning. Her weight has plummetted from 96.5 to 89 lbs in the past 13 days....she even stopped eating the things she loves.
This afternoon I had rushed home to do some laundry, and one of her doctors called...wanting to know what I thought about putting a feeding tube in aunt Millie; said the pneumonia medication wasn't working....her heart was worse, and is slowly starving (I spent almost an hour this evening trying to coax her to eat; she ate a couple bites of parmasain chicken...one of her favorites). I asked Dr Manocha..."will the feeding tube help my aunt improve"; he said no it won't....a feeding tube will keep her alive a few weeks or months at most, no improvement expected
Tonight I finally understand what "quality of life truly means". My great aunt is 90 years of age, is totally blind; is in constant pain, is a widow, has no children....all she has is Granny and myself; My great aunt suffers from a myriad of serious diseases...kidney failure, inoperable gallstones, congestive heart disease, fluid in her lungs, loss of feeling in her right hand/arm due to repeated light strokes; has to wear diapers/ doesn't have any control of her bowels; was recently diagnosed with alzheimers disease and depression (I now know why she imagines things that didn't happen, gets so angry when told it didn't happen; why she keeps wanting to go see aunt Ruby..who died over four years ago
I sat here tonight and looked through some family photos....aunt Millie only a ten years ago, looking so happy, smiling; how neat she looked....then thought about her lying tonight in the hospital, IV's in both her tiny arms, she's so thin; remembered how she looked the other night when I carried her to/from the bathroom...so tiny it was like carrying a child; how confused and afraid she was because her legs wouldn't work.....I sat here tonight and bawled like a baby
Two months ago I didn't agree to hospice care for my aunt because my heart said no; my conscience said not too. Tonight my conscience says it is the right thing to do; the only honorable thing to do. What she has isn't living...and doctors say it will get even worse (if she survives the pneumonia); I don't want a feeding tube in her...her living will states her wishes NOT to be kept alive by artificial means if there's no hope of recovery (no heart/ lung machine, no resuscitation if she goes into cardiac arrest, no feeding tube, no dialysis, etc).
I don't want my aunt Millie to die...I love her as a grandmother; just thinking of life without her makes me cry. I also don't want her to live in torture, confusion, fright, and severe pain with no hope of ever getting better while doctors make money from her suffering. I wouldn't want to be kept alive by a feeding tube if in my aunt's condition...I would prefer dying to living in her condition when I'm 90, when I'm 60, or tonight.
Please remember both aunt Millie and me in your prayers. I'm following her wishes, and am doing what my conscience says is right....but still the grief and pain I feel tonight is overwhelming
Thanks,
Perry
