Men!!

[southerngale]

"I can't find it."
MEANS: It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I am completely clueless.

"That's women's work."
MEANS: It's difficult, dirty, and thankless.

"Will you marry me?"
MEANS: Both of my roommates have moved out, I can't find the washer, and there's no milk left.

"It's a guy thing."
MEANS: There's no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical.

"Can I help with dinner?"
MEANS: Why isn't it already on the table?

"It would take too long to explain."
MEANS: I have no idea how it works.

"I'm getting more exercise lately."
MEANS: The batteries in the remote are dead.

"We're going to be late."
MEANS: I have a legitimate reason for driving like a maniac.

"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard."
MEANS: I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner.

"That's interesting dear."
MEANS: Are you still talking?

"Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love."
MEANS: I forgot our anniversary again.

"You expect too much from me."
MEANS: You expect me to stay awake?

"It's really a good movie."
MEANS: It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and half clothed women.

"You know how bad my memory is."
MEANS: I remember the words to the theme song of F- troop, the address of the first girl I kissed, and the vehicle identification number of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday.

[streetsoldier]

Cars and half-clothed women, "not"...guns and knives, OTOH...

[southerngale]

Household Chores

My friend's husband always teases her about her lack of interest in household chores. One day he came home with a gag gift, a refrigerator magnet that read: "Martha Stewart doesn't live here."

The next day he came home to find the magnet holding up a slip of paper. The note read: "Neither does Bob Vila."

[southerngale]

Her Husband's Serious Disease

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his check up, the doctor called his wife into his office alone.

He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very serious disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband can die.

Each morning, I want you to fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch, fix him a nutritious meal. Then later for dinner, prepare an especially nice meal for him. And, please, don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your stress; this will probably make him feel worse. If you can do this for at least 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."
The lady just sat there dumbfounded for a minute before the doctor told her she could leave now.

On the way home, the husband anxiously asked his wife, "So.....what did the doctor say to you?"

Complete Silence. And then........

"That you're going to die."