Givers/Takers......

[Miss Mary]

I have a low tolerance for people that always seem to take and want the focus on themselves. Rarely, if ever, giving you or your situation a mere glance. Or a minute of their attention. If this person is a casual aquaintance, then you can distance yourself from him/her. That's easy enough! But what do you do when it's a close family member? I've known on some level now my sister-in-law is a taker (my husband's brother's wife). And very needy. Lately her emails have been me-me-me. While I'm over here nursing a twisted ankle and my husband almost threw his shoulder out while hanging drywall! He's doing fine, BTW. We got over that hump. And I'm healing. She's a nurse also, but has a very cold bedside manner about her.

I'm just venting. I'm to the point where I think I will no longer send her emails. Or if I do, comment only on what she tells me is going on in her family. You see, she has my entire in-law family wrapped around her finger - they think she can do no wrong. Meanwhile I see plenty. My husband keeps his opinions to himself, in her regards. And I just need to learn to do that.

Does anyone have sage advice about handling people who want the spotlight, ALL the time, and never even ask how you are doing? I'm having a challenging time of it with her. And we have a family party coming up this weekend - lovely. Without going into specifics, which really aren't important, our last few emails have been curt. I just don't trust her. I'm afraid she may forward what I've written to her onto others, turning them against me.

Why can't people be nice or better yet, open their eyes to what others are going thru?

Well, thanks for listening. Not even sure what to do now. She lives 5 minutes away from me too. Can't quite cut her out of my life!

Mary

[Pburgh]

Oh Mary, I feel so sorry for you. I think there is one like that in every family. I don't know how you want to handle it but here's what I do. My mind is already set that I WILL NOT let this person get to me. I've gotten so good at it that their self-absortion and self centered actions are comical and predictable to me. I have to laugh to myself when they do or say what I knew they would do or say. It's like I've put them up on my personal stage and they are a performing comedy act just for me.lol

I distance myself from this person and definitely do not give away any secrets!!!!! This is not a person that wants to be your confidante nor do you want her to be. If she has never shown an interest in your problems, she never will!!! Don't let her lack of kindness and sincerity upset you. It's HER problem!!!!! I know it IRKS you but don't let it!!!!

Life is too short and you have sooooo many wonderful people around you who are interested in you, your family and your happiness. So I'd say get a comfortable chair and when she starts irritating you SIT BACK AND ENJOY THE SHOW!!!!!

((HUGS)) my friend
Karan

[Guest]

I wasn't too sure how to respond, but what Karan said is perfect! Sorry you have to deal with such a self-centered person. Don't let her bring your spirits down.
...Jennifer...

[Miss Mary]

Karan - wow, what a terrific way to put it!!! I think I will sit back and enjoy the show, from now on!!! Yes there seems to be one person like this in every family, you're so right there. In my family, it's my mother - another topic for another day. LOL

Thanks for a wonderful way to look at the situation. If there's one thing I've learned in life is that you can't change people - they are as there are - hidden agenda's or not. No matter what you do or say, they won't change. What you can change is how you react to their behavior. And today she was just bugging me no end. Karan - I wish you were a member of MY family! You have such a neat outlook on life, I know there'd never be a dull moment with you around!

Thanks Jen for your response too!


Mary

[Stephanie]

I have to agree with what Karan said. I would definately make sure that I am near her only when I have to be. Cutting her off from a potential source of "gossip" I think will really bother her. Let her "be the star" - you don't have to be in the same room as her, but don't give your hubby's family anything to chew on as well. "Kill 'em with kindness".

[streetsoldier]

I am estranged from an older sister and a younger brother, so this is nothing new for me.

They ignore me unless they have some fruitcake political BS to send me via E-mail, which is deleted unopened. For my part, I never contact them at all, or grant them even the courtesy of a call UNLESS something of importance (death in the family, etc.) comes to pass.

I DO retain friendly communications with my oldest sis in NJ and my older brother in WI.

Strangely, this "division" is along the same "battle lines" my late, unlamented mother (may she burn in hell) set us up in, from our earliest childhood...."divide and control", I guess. And, she succeeds even now, 28 years after her death.