Marva Stewart's Christmas Card Tips

[Suzi Q]

Today we will review some tips for expediting the lovely holiday tradition of Christmas cards. These tips can be applied for Hanukah or Kwanza. I personally only know three Jewish people (okay three if you count Sam Waksal) so I'll focus on Christmas cards.
Generally I find that people fall into two categories when it comes to holiday cards. Those that are just happy to sign them legibly and get them out the door and those that make this ritual a two day event. For those of you that fall into category 1, skip this tip and go have a beer. For those that fall into the second, I am here to give you some helpful tips that will bring you in line with the normal population.
Above all, DO NOT, under ANY CIRCUMSTANSTANCES, TAKE ANY CALLS FROM YOUR BROKER OR ANY FRIENDS WHO OWN DRUG COMPANIES during this project. That being said, let's start.
1. Cull your Christmas Card list. If someone has not sent you a card in five years, chances are they don't give a frosty snowman if they ever here from you again. Moreover, every year, they get a card from you, look puzzled and spend the next 24 hours trying to remember who you are.
2. Those lovely handmade cards you make each year? Forget em. Run up to Walmart and buy one of those cute boxes of cards with a holiday design. Please note that at this time of year, you should cough very loudly while in Walmart, this will clear all aisles rapidly allowing you to make your purchase and spend the next two hours trying to locate your car.
3. Print all your envelopes on the printer. I know, you adore spending time hand addressing each envelope with your lovely calligraphy pen, but it takes the ink another two days to dry, so why bother? Plus, do you actually think the U.S. Post Office can read that crap? They just throw them in a bin marked "later" and then they push it to the back of the office. Your tax dollars at work.
4. DO NOT INCLUDE YOUR TRADITIONAL "FAMILY NEWSLETTER UPDATE". People are sick to death of hearing about how your 10 year old daughter has been on the honor roll since kindergarten and was just tested at a tenth grade level, how your 12 year old son had the little league record for most home runs and is the county chess champion and how your husband just got his fifth promotion this year. Everyone knows your kids are on high doses of ritalin and that your husband is not only the biggest brown-noser in the company but also sleeping with his boss (who is also male). Besides, we would be happy to send you our kids mug shots, taken after shoplifting Carter's Country and our husband hasn't been heard from since he ran off with that tramp of a secretary.
5. Sign the stupid cards with something appropriate such as "Happy Holidays from The Cleavers." Sweet, succint, to the point. Nothing else is needed.
6. Seal em, use those pre-printed return address labels that every charity on the face of this earth sends you at this time of year, and thrown em outside in the mailbox for your favorite postal carrier to pick up. He/She will assure you that they will get to the post office, drive off with them, and dump them in the nearest "Later" bin. Trust me, it happens.

Using my tips, you should cut your actual time down to about 1 hour (not counting Walmart time). Which leaves you plenty of time to work on your handmade holiday decorations, which we'll deal with on another day.

Happy Holidays ya'll,
Marva Stewart
a/k/a eb4480

[StormCrazyIowan]

ROFL!!!!!! That was toooo great!!

And BTW, I DID buy my cards at Walmart!!

(And eb, I still did not eat your Cool Whip!! )

[GalvestonDuck]

LOL!

Should we call you Ebeneza?

[Stephanie]

TOO FUNNY!!!!

[Lake Effect1]

I'm in the beer category!!!!!!!!!

[TexasStooge]

LOL!!!

[Guest]

Marva - that's just a marvelous post. I think I'll have the beer and send email christmas cards since my life is my computer LOL. Wonder if Marva has this addiction???

Patricia

[JCT777]

LOL! That was great. And I definitely fall into category 1. Time for a beer.