Advice needed about a depressed spouse

[Rainband]

Tony and I have been together for nearly Ten years. Last Saturday he told me he loved me but he wasn't in love with me anymore. I know now that he has been depressed for a long time and after talking to me he said it wasn't me. He said when he came by here the other day to get some things that the Cats just looked at him and he didn't feel like this was his home. He said he feels homeless, he is staying with his sister.. He has a history of this in his family, his Mom especially and I want to know what to do. He has an appointment to talk to someone next week. I don't want to throw away Ten years and give up but he says he needs space. Is he trying to save me from the pain he is going through?? I am so confused. Please I need some help and advice. Thanks (((HUGS)))

[TreasureIslandFLGal]

Depression is a horribly lonely thing to go through for the person experiencing it. Even though a person can have tons of friends and family trying to be supportive they can still feel isolated and alone. Sometimes it's just a matter of a chemical imbalance that can be rather easily treated with medication and some therapy. If he says he needs space then, give him space but, that doesn't always mean that the whole relationship is over. If you are truly in love with him then, you must already realize that you've got all of the time in the world to allow him to get through this. True, the relationship may not return to what you desire at the end of this tough time but, I wouldn't just throw away 10 years right away myself. Try to just keep yourself together through this ordeal. It's okay to do what you need to do for you. Keep your heart and mind open and try to not put too many expectations on the outcome of this situation. Just be thankful that he is seeking professional help and isn't just self medicating and trying to deny that there's anything wrong.

STAY STRONG!!! BIG HUGS going out to you both!!!

[Janie2006]

Perhaps I can help, being clinically depressed myself. Has he ever been on psychotropic medication? Any sort of medication at all? He should absolutely see a professional next week. You just might find that he didn't mean the relationship itself was over.

I say this because when I start diving into that very depressed state I say or plan things that I don't necessarily intend to...you know? It's the "depressed state" talking, the side that feels unwanted, unloved or lonely. I can feel it coming on. I know when I'm about to go into a depressive state and many times I will isolate myself....which is not a good thing. It ultimately doesn't solve anything at all and unless I talk to someone or take medication I worry that one day I might do something that can't be resolved, something final. Fortunately, thus far I've been able to recognize the danger signals, and I've only been able to do that by reaching out to people and getting help. So, it's very important that Tony talks to someone and take meds...if necessary.

I don't mean to say that this is Tony's thought process. I can only speak from my own experience, and if his is anything like mine, perhaps he doesn't mean to break everything off. I don't know that I would take that statement at face value.

*hugs*


Janie

[Rainband]

He was taking zoloft and he just stopped I think. I found the bottle in the drawer. Thanks everyone. I appreciate the support and the advice. I was prescribed zoloft today for what my MD said is anxiety, she said I wasn't depressed though. Well I am mildly but she said thats normal for what I am going through.

[TreasureIslandFLGal]

Please please be sure he sees someone asap! If he has been taking Zoloft for any length of time, he can't just stop taking it cold turkey. Zoloft has to be stepped down or else it can result in severe depression and suicidal thoughts. -even if he wasn't taking it for depression to begin with.

I hope it all works out ok for you two. People often need to "find themselves" and evaluate everything in their lives. In that process, they realize that the peson they were with is the one they are in love with. The "in love" re-blossoms all over again. Sometimes it doesn't, but if that is the case, standing by him and helping him now will ensure he is a friend forever. In the long run, that is what nobody can do without. He will value you all the more no matter what your ultimate role is in his future if you support/help him through now.

Let him know you love him and will regardless of the outcome. -that you want to support him through this.

-and be sure to see someone yourself or find another sort of therapeutic outlet to get through your own feelings of loss right now. It is always a hit to the self-esteem when someone says they aren't in love with you anymore, whether it is really true or not and whether or not it is just "their problem". Be sure to keep your own mind and body healthy through this time.


~Chrissy

[Tstormwatcher]

My wife has suffered from depression from many years but thanks to effexor XR she has control over it, we are still working on her anxiety though. Be warned, it has taken her many years and 2 psycs. to find the meds that work the best for her. If Zoloft is not working then he needs to let his doc. know and try something else.

[DanKellFla]

If he was taking Zoloft, he can't just stop. You should talk to his doctor and tell him what you think is happening. In my personal experience with a panic disorder/mild depression, I can say that I appreciate my wife yelling at me a little bit. There are days when I just want to stay in bed, but she won't let me. I ALWAYS end up feeling better as soon as I start doing something. Don't let him sit around and do nothing for too long. But also, allow him some time to do what he wants. I have three children, so "me time" is rare. Actually, at this very moment, I am "coming down" from a panic attack. I have been taking meds for two months now. And I think it is helping. I keep on meaning to go talk to somebody, but I am busy with all kinds of other stuff. Another thing that helps me is exercise. I am not one to exercise. In the past, I hated it. But, 30 minutes on my Nordic Track makes me feel better for a whole day.
Ask him to move back in with you, and if he says "no" make him explain why. Sometimes, when my wife makes me explain myself, I realize that I need to adjust my outlook. Just knowing that you are willing to fight to get him back will help him.

[DanKellFla]

I forgot to add. This runs in my family, my sister, father and grandmother. I come by this pretty honestly.

[Dionne]

He was taking zoloft and he just stopped I think. I found the bottle in the drawer. Thanks everyone. I appreciate the support and the advice. I was prescribed zoloft today for what my MD said is anxiety, she said I wasn't depressed though. Well I am mildly but she said thats normal for what I am going through.

Am I reading this correctly? Your "spouse/significant other" was prescribed zoloft and you didn't know until you discovered the bottle of meds?

My personal experience with medications is that you always let your spouse know what is going on.......no secrets. Especially with psychiatric problems. The VA had me on meds for years. I used to take my wife with me on doctor visits. Hanging out in left field all alone is a drag. It's also quite dangerous.

Some things you never get over......but you can lighten the load.

[Stephanie]

I think that ALL spouses or significant others go through the same feelings with their relationships from time to time. I'm kind of at a crossroads myself right now with alot of things - it's like I need to find something else EXCITING or INTERESTING.

It's good that he is going to see the doctor - it sounds like it's not necessarily you and your relationship per se, but there's other issues. He NEEDS to stay on the medications until his doctor says otherwise. Unfortunately, some patients don't do that. I know I was angry at the beginning when I started with Prozac because I needed "a pill" to make me, ME.

You can only be there for him, Johnathan and pray that he does take the help and medication that he needs to stay healthy. HOWEVER, you need to also think about yourself and how this is affecting your health and if it is ultimately worth it for you.

(((HUGS)))

[Rainband]

My wife has suffered from depression from many years but thanks to effexor XR she has control over it, we are still working on her anxiety though. Be warned, it has taken her many years and 2 psycs. to find the meds that work the best for her. If Zoloft is not working then he needs to let his doc. know and try something else.

He told me that "he loves me but he isn't in love with me anymore" I told him That I love him so much That I was willing to let him go if thats what he needs to be happy.

[Rainband]

He was taking zoloft and he just stopped I think. I found the bottle in the drawer. Thanks everyone. I appreciate the support and the advice. I was prescribed zoloft today for what my MD said is anxiety, she said I wasn't depressed though. Well I am mildly but she said thats normal for what I am going through.

Am I reading this correctly? Your "spouse/significant other" was prescribed zoloft and you didn't know until you discovered the bottle of meds?

My personal experience with medications is that you always let your spouse know what is going on.......no secrets. Especially with psychiatric problems. The VA had me on meds for years. I used to take my wife with me on doctor visits. Hanging out in left field all alone is a drag. It's also quite dangerous.

Some things you never get over......but you can lighten the load.

I knew he was taking it but I also was told the reason for the bottle was because they changed the dose.

[Rainband]

I think that ALL spouses or significant others go through the same feelings with their relationships from time to time. I'm kind of at a crossroads myself right now with alot of things - it's like I need to find something else EXCITING or INTERESTING.

It's good that he is going to see the doctor - it sounds like it's not necessarily you and your relationship per se, but there's other issues. He NEEDS to stay on the medications until his doctor says otherwise. Unfortunately, some patients don't do that. I know I was angry at the beginning when I started with Prozac because I needed "a pill" to make me, ME.

You can only be there for him, Johnathan and pray that he does take the help and medication that he needs to stay healthy. HOWEVER, you need to also think about yourself and how this is affecting your health and if it is ultimately worth it for you.

(((HUGS)))

Thanks, I am thinking about myself thats why I told him if this is his decision then we need to deal with the finality of it. "If you love someone set them free, if it's meant to be they will come back to you" (((HUGS)))

[Dee Bee]

Echoing what has been said earlier, a person just can't stop taking anti-depressants. As far as seeing someone, the "someone" who needs to be contacted immediately is the physician who prescribed the medication. Depression is such an individual disease. Showing Tony how deep your concern for him is by offering to see the doctor with him is an approach which may help. In his present state of mind, being too forceful may increase feelings of guilt, yet giving him too much space may reinforce low self-esteem.

I'm glad to hear that you are taking care of yourself by seeing your physician. Be aware of how zoloft affects you and keep in touch with your doctor. Most physicians require a 3-month (or sooner) office visit when beginning this type of medication.

I'll be keeping both you and Tony in my positive thoughts for healing and wholeness!

[Stephanie]

I think that ALL spouses or significant others go through the same feelings with their relationships from time to time. I'm kind of at a crossroads myself right now with alot of things - it's like I need to find something else EXCITING or INTERESTING.

It's good that he is going to see the doctor - it sounds like it's not necessarily you and your relationship per se, but there's other issues. He NEEDS to stay on the medications until his doctor says otherwise. Unfortunately, some patients don't do that. I know I was angry at the beginning when I started with Prozac because I needed "a pill" to make me, ME.

You can only be there for him, Johnathan and pray that he does take the help and medication that he needs to stay healthy. HOWEVER, you need to also think about yourself and how this is affecting your health and if it is ultimately worth it for you.

(((HUGS)))

Thanks, I am thinking about myself thats why I told him if this is his decision then we need to deal with the finality of it. "If you love someone set them free, if it's meant to be they will come back to you" (((HUGS)))

Absolutely! It's still not easy, but then again, life isn't supposed to be easy.

[Rainband]

Echoing what has been said earlier, a person just can't stop taking anti-depressants. As far as seeing someone, the "someone" who needs to be contacted immediately is the physician who prescribed the medication. Depression is such an individual disease. Showing Tony how deep your concern for him is by offering to see the doctor with him is an approach which may help. In his present state of mind, being too forceful may increase feelings of guilt, yet giving him too much space may reinforce low self-esteem.

I'm glad to hear that you are taking care of yourself by seeing your physician. Be aware of how zoloft affects you and keep in touch with your doctor. Most physicians require a 3-month (or sooner) office visit when beginning this type of medication.

I'll be keeping both you and Tony in my positive thoughts for healing and wholeness!

I have always showed him concern. I think that was the whole problem. I spent so much time loving him, I forgot who I was and I think he saw that. He was actually really suprised when i told him i wanted to talk about the finality of this. Maybe he will see that he is still in love with me but if he doesn't then I wanna be friends and I have gotten to know myself over the past week...for the first time in a long time. Thank you all (((HUGS)))

[Rainband]

I started my zoloft today. We are supposed to talk on the 4th, so I guess I will see what happens. Thanks again to everyone.

[coriolis]

I hope that this situation resolves for you Jon, I can't say which way is for the better, but I'm following this thread and feeling for you. It seems that life never stops throwing us curve balls.

[Rainband]

Thanks Ed, I appreciate it more than you know. (((HUGS)))

[wx247]

Hey Rainband buddy... I just logged in (I have been super busy lately) and just read this thread and it breaks my heart. Please know that I am here if you need to talk.

(((HUGS)))