New Rule:
Stop giving me that pop-up ad for Classmates.com! There's a reason
you don't talk to people for 25 years -- because you don't particularly like
them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing
these days: mowing my lawn.
New Rule:
Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're
a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger
was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili.
Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout? Luckily,
it was only a finger! If it was a whole hand, Congress would have voted to keep it alive.
New Rule:
Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about
your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.
New Rule:
There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of
this stuff at the supermarket: water, but without that watery taste. Sorry,
but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour
some scotch over ice and let it melt. There's your flavored water.
New Rule:
Stop messing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned
pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the
bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, he'll be
in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.
New Rule:
The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the jerk.
If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low
fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light
ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge @#%&*#.
New Rule:
I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card,
entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the
amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again,
the kid
who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.
Paper, plastic? I don't have time for that. I've just been called to do
a cleanup on Aisle Nine!
New Rule:
Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make
you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your butt. And it translates to
"beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were
praying to God you weren't pregnant.
New Rule:
Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly
sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating because
watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting.
What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that.
New Rule:
I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms,
I'll go wild and eat two.
New Rule:
If you're going to insist on making movies based on stupid, old
television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex
a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens.
Let's remember the reason something was a television show
in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.
New Rule:
No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings.
Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab.
Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't
gift giving -- it's the upscale version of looting.
New Rule:
When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in
months, as in "27 Months." You know, "He's two," will do just fine.
He's not a cheese. And I didn't care in the first place.
