IMPORTANT Hurricane Advice ;-)

[seaswing]

ADVICE ON HURRICANES


We're at the peak of the hurricane season. Any day now,
you're going to turn on the TV and see a weather person pointing to
some radar blob out in the Gulf of Mexico and making two basic meteorological points:


(1) There is no need to panic.


(2) We could all be killed.


Yes, hurricane season is an exciting time to be in Florida. If you're
new to the area you're probably wondering what you need to do to prepare for
the possibility that we'll get hit by "the big one." Based on our
experiences, we recommend that you follow this simple three-step
hurricane preparedness plan:


STEP 1. Buy enough food and bottled water to last your family for at least three days.
STEP 2. Put these supplies into your car.
STEP 3. Drive to Ohio and remain there until Halloween. Unfortunately,
statistics show that most people will not follow this sensible plan. Most people will foolishly stay here in Florida.


We'll start with one of the most important hurricane preparedness items:


HURRICANE INSURANCE: If you own a home, you must have hurricane insurance.
Fortunately, this insurance is cheap and easy to get, as long as your
home meets two basic requirements:
(1) It is reasonably well-built,
(2) It is located in Ohio.
Unfortunately, if your home is located in Florida, or any other area
that might actually be hit by a hurricane, most insurance companies
would prefer not to sell you hurricane insurance because Then they might be required
pay YOU money, and that is certainly not why they got into the
insurance business in the first place. So you'll have to scrounge
around for an insurance company, which will charge you an annual
premium roughly equal to the replacement value of your house.


At any moment, this company can drop you like used dental floss. Since
Hurricane Andrew I’ve had an estimated 27 different home-insurance
companies. This week, I'm covered by the Bob and Big Stan Insurance Company,
under a policy which states that, in addition to my premium, Bob and
Big Stan are entitled, on demand, to my kidneys.


SHUTTERS: Your house should have hurricane shutters on all the windows, all
the doors, and -- if it's a major hurricane -- all the toilets. There
are several types of shutters, with advantages and disadvantages:


Plywood Shutters: The advantage is that, because you make them
yourself, they're cheap. The disadvantage is that, because you make them yourself, they will fall off.


Sheet-Metal Shutters: The advantage is that these work well, once you get
them all up. The disadvantage is that once you get them all up, your
hands will be useless bleeding stumps, and it will be December.


Roll-Down Shutters: The advantages are that they're very easy to use,
and will definitely protect your house. The disadvantage is that you
will have to sell your house to pay for them.


Hurricane-Proof Windows: These are the newest wrinkle in hurricane
protection. They look like ordinary windows, but they can withstand
hurricane winds! You can be sure of this, because the salesman says
so. He lives in Ohio.


HURRICANE PROOFING YOUR PROPERTY: As the hurricane approaches, check
your yard for movable objects like barbecue grills, planters, patio
furniture, visiting relatives, etc. You should, as a precaution, throw these items into
your swimming pool (if you don't have a swimming pool, you should have
one built immediately). Otherwise, the hurricane winds will turn these objects into deadly missiles.


EVACUATION ROUTE! : If you live in a low-lying area, you should have
an evacuation route planned out. (To determine whether you live in a low-lying
area, look at your driver's license; if it says "Florida," you live in a low-lying area).
The purpose of having an evacuation route is to avoid being trapped in your
home when a major storm hits. Instead, you will be trapped in a
gigantic traffic jam several miles from your home, along with two
hundred thousand other evacuees. So, as a bonus, you will not be lonely.


HURRICANE SUPPLIES: If you don't evacuate, you will need a mess of supplies.
Do not buy them now! Florida tradition requires that you wait until the last
possible minute, then go to the supermarket and get into vicious fights
with strangers over who gets the last can of SPAM.
In addition to food and water, you will need the following supplies:


23 flashlights and at least $167 worth of batteries that won't work or will be
the wrong size for the flashlights.


Bleach. (No, I don't know what the bleach is for. NOBODY knows what
the bleach is for, but it's traditional, so GET some!)


A 55-gallon drum of underarm deodorant.
A big knife that you can strap to your leg. (This will be useless in a hurricane, but it looks cool.)


A large quantity of raw chicken to placate the alligators. (Ask anybody who
went through a hurricane; after the hurricane, knows
there WILL be irrate alligators.)


$35,000 in cash or diamonds so that, after the hurricane passes, you can buy
a generator from a man with no discernible teeth.


Of course these are just basic precautions. As the hurricane draws near, it
is vitally important that you keep abreast of the situation by turning
on your television and watching TV reporters in rain slickers stand right next
to the ocean and tell you over and over how vitally important it is
for everybody to stay away from the ocean.


Good luck, and remember: It's great living in Paradise.

[terstorm1012]

very amusing.

[NoceoTotus]

Trust me, down here that bit is not as funny as it may seem to the rest of you all.

[seaswing]

Trust me, down here that bit is not as funny as it may seem to the rest of you all.

Not sure I understand what you are saying?

[artist]

NoceoTotus wrote:
Trust me, down here that bit is not as funny as it may seem to the rest of you all.

this is just meant to lighten things up -no need to jump on seaswing.

Thanks for posting seaswing- gave me a good laugh this morning I needed!

[Vandora]

Amusing indeed. Did you write this, or did you get it from somewhere? Hadn't seen it before. Thanks for posting... Humor is important.

[GalvestonDuck]

Amusing indeed. Did you write this, or did you get it from somewhere? Hadn't seen it before. Thanks for posting... Humor is important.

I believe this is a piece by Florida humorist Dave Barry, written some time after Hurricane Andrew.

[CharleySurvivor]

Even if we live in Hurricane State, I don't see anything wrong with a little humour. It brightens the day!

[Vandora]

I believe this is a piece by Florida humorist Dave Barry, written some time after Hurricane Andrew.

Fantastic, thanks for the info.

[seaswing]

Trust me, down here that bit is not as funny as it may seem to the rest of you all.

I have been through several canes myself and as a native Floridian, I am aware of the seriouness of a hurricane and certainly know what the damage can be... including the emotional trauma. Dave Barry's column is just a reminder that 'in hindsight' there can be a little humor.

I was in Gonzales, LA almost a month ago doing animal rescue.... I saw it first hand NoceoTotus...

[terstorm1012]

my father's family is native to S. Florida, so even tho I'm up here in relatively safe PA I've always had an excellent education about the seriousness of these storms, how to get ready, and what not. My dad to this day keeps LOTS of supplies stocked up in his house in MD--came in handy during Isabel which knocked out power for a week for him. Noone is laughing at you guys, not at all. Humor is good for the soul in these trying times.

[CentralFlGal]

Based on our experiences, we recommend that you follow this simple three-step hurricane preparedness plan:

STEP 1. Buy enough food and bottled water to last your family for at least three days.
STEP 2. Put these supplies into your car.
STEP 3. Drive to Ohio and remain there until Halloween.

I love this one!

Sort of hoping right now that I don't have to put up plywood and cover up all my Halloween decorations...

[Canelaw99]

LOL Instead of decorating pumpkins, Floridians just decorate the plywood

[Vandora]

LOL Instead of decorating pumpkins, Floridians just decorate the plywood

Too funny. You owe me a new keyboard.

[Canelaw99]

LOL Van - spit somethin' on it did ya?

[CentralFlGal]

LOL Instead of decorating pumpkins, Floridians just decorate the plywood

Yes!! If it comes down to that, I'm going to do it

[Vandora]

LOL Van - spit somethin' on it did ya?

On closer inspection, it (soda) hit the monitor instead. Thank goodness! You're off the hook.

[Canelaw99]

Van - good thing!

[seaswing]

LOL Instead of decorating pumpkins, Floridians just decorate the plywood

Yes!! If it comes down to that, I'm going to do it

Good idea! maybe I'll paint pumpkins on my plywood!

[Canelaw99]

LOL - could be rather festive....paint some pumpkins, trees with leaves turning, cornucopias...I mean, we might as well leave 'em up through Novemeber so throw some turkeys on there. It'll be all the rage through the state since we don't get fall anyway LOL