A Collection Of The Worlds Dumbest Criminals

[Category 5]

Oklahoma City - Dennis Newton was on trial for the armed robbery of a convenience store in a district court this week when he fired his lawyer. Assistant district attorney Larry Jones said Newton, 47, was doing a fair job of defending himself until the store manager testified that Newton was the robber. Newton jumped up, accused the woman of lying and then said, "I should of blown you [expletive] head off." The defendant paused, then quickly added, "-- if I'd been the one that was there." The jury took 20 minutes to convict Hewton and recommend a 30-year sentence.

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Clever drug traffickers used a propane tanker truck entering El Paso from Mexico. They rigged it so propane gas would be released from all of its valves while the truck concealed 6,240 pounds of marijuana. They were clever, but not bright. They misspelled the name of the gas company on the side of the truck.

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Drug-possession defendant Christopher Johns, on trial in March in Pontiac, Michigan, said he had been searched without a warrant. The prosecutor said the officer didn't need a warrant because a "bulge" in Christopher's jacket could have been a gun. Nonsense, said Christopher, who happened to be wearing the same jacket that day in court. He handed it over so the judge could see it. The judge discovered a packet of cocaine in the pocket and laughed so hard he required a five-minute recess to compose himself.

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The Belgium news agency Belga reported in November that a man suspected of robbing a jewelry store in Liege said he couldn't have done it "because he was busy breaking into a school at the same time." Police then arrested him for breaking into the school.

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David Posman, 33, was arrested recently in Providence, R.I, after allegedly knocking out an armored car driver and stealing the closest four bags of money. It turned out they contained $800 in PENNIES, weighed 30 pounds each, and slowed him to a stagger during his getaway so that police officers easily jumped him from behind.

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Karen Lee Joachimmi, 20, was arrested in Lake City, Florida for robbery of a Howard Johnson's motel. She was armed with only an electric chain saw, which was not plugged in.

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Portsmouth, R.I. Police charged Gregory Rosa, 25, with a string of vending machine robberies in January when he (1) fled from police inexplicably when they spotted him loitering around a vending machine and (2) later tried to post his $400 bail in coins.

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45 year-old Amy Brasher was arrested in San Antonio, Texas, after a mechanic reported to police that 18 packages of marijuana were packed in the engine compartment of the car which she had brought to the mechanic for an oil change. According to police, Brasher later said that she didn't realize that the mechanic would have to raise the hood to change the oil.

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Police in Cottonwood(?), Idaho, were amused when they arrived to write up a burglary, and the homeowner told them that the thief got his VCR, his bong, and his stash of marijuana. Luckily, however, the thief had missed his marijuana pipe. The police ticketed the guy for possession of drug paraphernalia.

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PENNSAUKEN, N.J. - A would-be-burglar allegedly left behind just the ticket for police to nab their man. It seems Jose Sanchez needed to make sure the door to Hill-Rom Corp. wouldn't fully close while he allegedly looted the place, police said -- so he stuck a piece of paper in the door: a traffic ticket he'd been issued the night before. Police found the ticket Thursday -- with Sanchez's name and address on it -- in the door at the robbery scene. He'd been issued the ticket for driving with a cracked windshield. Sanchez, 31, was arrested at his Camden home and jailed on $5,000 bail. Authorities recovered some of the stolen property at a Camden tavern.

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A woman was reporting her car as stolen, and mentioned that there was a car phone in it. The policeman taking the report called the phone, and told the guy that answered that he had read the ad in the newspaper and wanted to buy the car. They arranged to meet, and the thief was arrested.

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When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find an ill man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.

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Burglars in Larch Barrens, Md., tried to cut through a safe using a Laser Tag gun.

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Industrial thieves broke into the Bilgetek plant in Canasta, Wash., by crossing a metal catwalk and then blew it up, having forgotten it was their only means of escape.

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Indiana: A man walked up to a cashier at a grocery store and demanded all the money in the register. When the cashier handed him the loot, he fled--leaving his wallet on the counter.

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Arizona: A company called "Guns For Hire" stages gunfights for Western movies, etc. One day, they received a call from a 47-year- old woman, who wanted to have her husband killed. She got 4-1/2 years in jail.

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Texas: A man convicted of robbery worked out a deal to pay $9600 in damages rather than serve a prison sentence. For payment, he provided the court a check--a *forged* check. He got 10 years.

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(Location Unknown): A man went into a drug store, pulled a gun, announced a robbery, and pulled a Hefty-bag face mask over his head--and realized that he'd forgotten to cut eye holes in the mask.

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South Carolina: A man walked into a local police station, dropped a bag of cocaine on the counter, informed the desk sergeant that it was substandard cut, and asked that the person who sold it to him be arrested immediately.

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A guy went into a convenience store. He placed a $20 bill on the counter and asked for change. As the clerk opened the drawer, he pulled out a gun and demanded all of the money. The clerk put all of the money in a bag and the villain fled the store, but left the $20 on the counter. As he began to count his cash, he was a little bit unhappy. There was only $15 in the bag!

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I once heard of this guy who was in a high speed car chase. The alleged criminal pulled a whole string of police vehicles behind him. Speeds went up to 100 mph. So, what is so abnormal about this, you hear about it almost every day....Well, this guy used his turn-signal every time he changed directions, including lane changes. The police knew within a half a block when and where he was going to turn.

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A woman leaving a Kmart parking lot in Michigan (why do 9 out of 10 of these stupid stories occur in Michigan??) when a man jumped out from behind a parked car and mugged her. After he ran off, she called the police and described her attacker. Police picked up a man a few blocks away who matched her description, and drove him to the scene of the crime, telling him they needed to get a "positive ID." When they arrived, the man looked straight at the woman and before anyone had a chance to say anything, he said "yep, that's her, that's the woman I mugged."

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Police in Wichita Kansas arrested a 22 year old man at an airport hotel after he tried to pass 2 (counterfeit) $16 bills.

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When 2 service station attendants in Ionia, Michigan refused to hand over the cash to an intoxicated robber,the man threatened to call the cops. They still refused to hand over the cash so the robber called the cops and was arrested.

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A man locked himself out of his car, so he called the police for assistance. When the police arrive, they find the car fits the description of a stolen car. In the car were two stolen purses. The man was arrested on the spot.

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Dispatcher: ________ County 911

Guy: Yo, man, are the cops looking for me?

D: I dunno, *should* they be looking for you?

G: Yeah, man.

D: What'd you do?

G: I stole a jeep.

D: Well, I can check. What's your name?

G: _________ (<-- gives his name)

D: Ok, I'll check. This may take a few minutes, so how about you give me your phone number and if I have to hang up I'll call you back.

G: Ok, it's ________

The Man was still on the phone when police burst into his apartment and arrested him.

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A man walks into a police station.

"I'm here to report a robbery." he says. The policeman nods his head, "Yes, what was stolen?"

The man says, "Well, I think my roommate stole my marijuana plant." After careful examination, the policeman decides the man is really telling the truth. He calls over a few others to watch.

The policeman says, "Sir, are you aware that if we catch your roommate- we will also have to arrest you for possession of marijuana?" "I was not aware of that.." says the man, "Perhaps I should reconsider." And the man was never seen again.

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There was a lady in Washington DC who robbed a bank. She held up the teller, got her money, and got out of the bank. Great plan.. but one important thing was missing.. the getaway car! Apparently she proceeded to hail a cab outside of the bank. When a cab finally stopped, she was already surrounded.

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This happened a few weeks ago at a Troy, NY bank. A guy walked in and proceeded to talk to an old high-school friend of his for about 15 minutes. After their conversation ended, he robbed the bank and ran out, apparently in a hurry. The woman he had been talking to earlier said she knew him and gave his name. The bank called the police. His name was recognized and he was picked up about 15 minutes later at the meeting with his parole officer he was late for, and the reason he rushed out of the bank.

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Reading PA- A man walked into a bank, and went to a teller, and demanded she give him money. Scared, the teller gave him what she wanted. Now, he may have gotten away with it. But he drove off in his getaway car, an orange Vega! He was of course caught.

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I read this in the Toronto Sun. A man was trying to steal gas by siphoning the gas. He wanted to check how much he had and used a lighter for light. The vapors caused an explosion, exploding the car and a truck near by.

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Milwaukee, WI - It was reported that a woman called the police claiming that someone broke into her house and stole a safe of hers. When the safe was retrieved, it was opened by the police to reveal a large amount of crack. She was promptly arrested.

Also, I heard a story of a crippled man, confined to a wheelchair, attempting to rob a bank with nothing but a knife. He was laughed at, then arrested.

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I read this one in the Excite News:

Brazilian police captured a burglar with his trousers down after he got stuck, half-naked, in an iron grille as he tried to break into a house. Sporting only a pair of white underpants, Marco Aurelio Santos waited for firemen to cut him free from the metal bars gripping him around the waist. Santos had to tolerate the laughter of onlookers as he awaited rescue and was not in a talkative mood. He told reporters to 'lease, leave me alone. I am already in trouble.'

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PORTLAND, Conn. (AP) -- The timers on the microwave ovens at a Burger King scared off a gunman who thought they were security alarms going off. The holdup man left without taking any money. The only worker in the restaurant was putting breakfast sandwiches in the ovens when the gunman entered before daybreak and demanded that she open a cash drawer. As she fumbled with the lock, the oven timers sounded. "He disappeared in two seconds," manager Jorge Ruisanchez said. No arrests were made.

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A couple robbing a store caught on camera could not be identified until the police rewound the tape. The female counter part filled out an entry form for a free trip prior to robbing the store!

[TexasStooge]