A VERY hard emotional day for me today.. Still teary eyed :(

Josephine96 · #1 Postby **Josephine96** » Mon Apr 26, 2004 6:46 pm

Today.. April 26th.. was a very emotional day for me.

Cassie came back to school.

That may sound like nothing to be sad about or emotional about.. but it was. Here's why..

I gave her my get well card I got for her and the letter attached to let her know why I care about her so much. She read the letter, and by the time she read about the fire at my apartment.. she was already crying.. :cry:

.. Then she read the part about the terrible nightmare I had.. and it nearly made her hysterical.

She kept telling me.. "Nobody's ever cared for me as much as you do.. I'm so glad you're still around.. I can't imagine what I'd be like if you would have perished in the fire.." :cry:

She also told me how much she loves me as a friend and prays that even when I find a job and start working.. that I don't leave her..

She also told me she WANTED ME to turn her in when she stated she was a cutter.. :sad:

I knew I should have.. :cry:

Please forgive me for sounding silly.. But I keep thinking this is in some way my fault. I know it's not.. But the fact that I didn't turn her in makes it that way..

She kept giving me hugs and telling me that I have nothing to be sorry for. She kept telling me it's not my fault..

She also said she kept praying I would've gone to see her in the hospital. BUT THE STUPID HOSPITAL NEVER GAVE ME THE INFO WHEN SHE WAS THERE :cry:

She also told me she doesn't plan on cutting herself ever again because she can't stand to see how bad I looked today :cry:

... I was a wreck.. and am still a wreck.. I keep seeing flashbacks of that nightmare.. :cry:

I'm sorry to keep bothering you guys with things that make me sad. But I really have no one that wants to talk about it..

I am happy she's back in school.. But I am so scared that if I disappear again.. she will head back down the wrong path.. :cry:

{sits and cries as I type this..}

#2 Postby **Stephanie** » Mon Apr 26, 2004 6:52 pm

Well, hopefully that love and concern that she knows you feel for her will help her through any further dark days that she may have.

Whenever someone is "cutting themselves" or "kidding" about trying to commit suicide, etc., they ARE asking for help. At least she did get to the hospital. She's right, YOU have nothing to be sorry for and in the end, it is up to Cassie to make sure she continues to get the help that she needs. Just be there for her when she needs you.

Josephine96 · #3 Postby **Josephine96** » Mon Apr 26, 2004 6:56 pm

I know it's not my fault.. I really do.. But after hearing that she said she wanted me to turn her in.. I just feel like I let her down.. :cry:

She also said she was very worried because I didn't go over to her school for about a month and she told me she does need me more than ever.. :cry:

I hope I can remain strong enough.. Me and my brain are at war right now because I'm trying to re-block the pains of that nightmare..

#4 Postby **Stephanie** » Mon Apr 26, 2004 6:59 pm

Remember that you must take care of yourself as well and there should always be give and take in any friendship or relationship.

Josephine96 · #5 Postby **Josephine96** » Mon Apr 26, 2004 7:03 pm

Thank you for that Steph.. I am well aware of that.. We have a great friendship do Cassie and I..

It feels so nice to have somebody love me and need me this bad. It makes me feel loved and wanted. Something I surely need right now

#6 Postby **Stephanie** » Mon Apr 26, 2004 7:26 pm

For BOTH of your sakes, you need to love yourselves first.

Guest · #7 Postby **Guest** » Mon Apr 26, 2004 7:27 pm

John, you perhaps may of saved a life! Cassie is lucky to have someone like you as a friend!

Josephine96 · #8 Postby **Josephine96** » Mon Apr 26, 2004 8:03 pm

Thank you Brian.. I don't feel that much like a life saver though :cry:

I do feel a little better.. But the nightmare flashbacks are continuing... :sad:

Josephine96 · #9 Postby **Josephine96** » Mon Apr 26, 2004 8:10 pm

and by the way.. Steph.. I do love myself..

but I have been told by people that I "wear my heart on my sleeve because of how much I care about people.." :wink:

I really do care about people.. this Cassie situation is hitting me a lot harder than I anticipated..

Maybe I wasn't expecting it to hurt this much and thats why..? I really don't know..

JQ Public · #10 Postby **JQ Public** » Mon Apr 26, 2004 9:53 pm

I have a friend that is a cutter. She has only done it twice and told me that she woudlnt do it again. I'm so proud she finally told me but i kinda knew all along. I am just there for her all the time...and now she is getting much better!

Josephine96 · #11 Postby **Josephine96** » Tue Apr 27, 2004 6:26 am

I'll try to be there for Cassie as long as I can.. I really hope she doesn't cut herself anymore..

#12 Postby **azskyman** » Tue Apr 27, 2004 6:45 am

John....another way to show Cassie you care is to take the appropriate time and place to encourage her to get help. Counseling is SO important to someone fighting such battles.

...and remember, she IS responsible for who she is and what she does, not you. Encouragement can help, but you must guard against ever feeling like you are the only one between her and her next challenge. That is too much to expect from any friend.

She is lucky to have you, though.

Josephine96 · #13 Postby **Josephine96** » Tue Apr 27, 2004 6:49 am

Thank you Skyman.. I did bring it up to her yesterday about helping her get help if she really needs it.

She said me just being around helps a lot, and that she was going to talk to 1 of her teachers in school today or something like that.

I also know she's responsible. I know that none of this stuff is my fault, I just feel like part of it may be.. because I didn't turn her in last semester when she told me she was a cutter. I'm still very confused lol.. Today is like my transition day.. let the pains and shock of yesterday wear off..

I'm so glad I have you guys to talk too though..

#14 Postby **Pburgh** » Tue Apr 27, 2004 7:10 am

When a friend confides in you, it's a very difficult decision to break their trust in order to get them help. John, you are definitely a very good friend to Cassie. Please don't feel guilty over things that are past or things over which you have no control - You'll end up being so worn out you won't be able to enjoy the present - today!!! Life is way too short to worry about the should haves, could haves and would haves. Keep on being the great person you are and try to put all the past where it belongs - in the past!!!!!

((Hugs)) to you my friend
Karan

#15 Postby **Stephanie** » Tue Apr 27, 2004 7:17 am

Josephine96 wrote:and by the way.. Steph.. I do love myself.. but I have been told by people that I "wear my heart on my sleeve because of how much I care about people.."

I really do care about people.. this Cassie situation is hitting me a lot harder than I anticipated.. Maybe I wasn't expecting it to hurt this much and thats why..? I really don't know..

I'm also the type to wear my heart on my sleeve. I just know from depression that besides the "chemical" imbalance, that at that time of my life, I didn't really love myself either, that's #1 in being able to get better. :wink:

#16 Postby **Pburgh** » Tue Apr 27, 2004 7:31 am

You're so right Stephanie

Josephine96 · #17 Postby **Josephine96** » Tue Apr 27, 2004 3:17 pm

I think Cassie loves herself. Then again.. It's obvious she doesn't if she's mutilating herself.

She seems to be very spiritual for her young age. I wonder if she'll use her belief in God and everything to try to make her better.

I'm trying hard not to feel guilty. Today was actually 1/2 way decent. Except for the 1 flashback I had on the bus ride to class.

Anyway.. I'm trying so hard to not let this control my brain.

By the way.. My finals start Monday lol

A VERY hard emotional day for me today.. Still teary eyed :(

A VERY hard emotional day for me today.. Still teary eyed :(

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