Beer troubleshooting chart

[j]

SYMPTOM
FAULT
ACTION

Feet cold and wet.
Glass being held at incorrect angle.
Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

Feet warm and wet.
Improper bladder control.
Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.

Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
Glass empty.
Get someone to buy you another beer.

Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
You have fallen over backward.
Have yourself leashed to bar.

Mouth contains cigarette butts.
You have fallen forward.
See above.

Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.

Floor blurred.
You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
Get someone to buy you another beer.

Floor moving.
You are being carried out.
Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

Room seems unusually dark.
Bar has closed.
Confirm home address with bartender.

Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
Cover mouth.

Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
You are dancing on the table.
Fall on somebody cushy-looking.

Beer is crystal-clear.
It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
Punch him.

Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
You have been in a fight.
Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.

Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in.
You've wandered into the wrong party.
See if they have free beer

Your singing sounds distorted.
The beer is too weak.
Have more beer until your voice improves.

Don't remember the words to the song.
Beer is just right.
Play air guitar.

[BEER980]

Whew I thought I had done something.

[j]

If I had to guess who would reply.....

[Bunch]

I used to have this list years ago, but I lost it. Thanks J!!!

[pawlee]

perfect timing... one too many rona's for me last night. can anyone spare some tylenol? p

[Rainband]

That was cool J

[j]

While on the subject of beer.... At my work we have these sessions from time to time called "Lunch n' Learn....which has morphed into monthly after work get togethers they are calling "Drink and Learn".

Today I received these reasons to attend future "Drink and Learn" sessions:

Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer,
they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true
than be selfish and worry about my liver."
- Jack Handy

"I feel sorry for people who don't drink.
When they wake up in the morning,
that's as good as they're going to feel all day. "
- Frank Sinatra

"An intelligent man is sometimes
forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools."
- Ernest Hemingway

"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case.
Coincidence? I think not."
- Stephen Wright

"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer.

Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza."
- Dave Barry

BEER: HELPING UGLY PEOPLE HAVE SEX SINCE 3000 B.C.!!!

Remember "I" before "E", except in Budweiser.