Self Esteem

[azskyman]

I remember growing up and not feeling all that great about who I was. There were better athletes, better students, and more popular people all around me. (I have to laugh these days because those same people are divorced, overweight, out of work, or generally unhappy in many cases.)

Trying to fit in is a very hard thing to do. Seemed that the harder I tried, the worse things got. And the worse things got, the more angry and frustrated I became.

Like we all do at times in our life, I went through some very trying times. Between the time I was 20 and 25 I lost my mom, watched 24 people die in a tornado, was sent to Vietnam against my wishes, and helped my sister through a painful divorce.

Somewhere in the middle of all that I came to realize that what was important was not who I wasn't (or could never be), but instead who I was and how I used the gifts I was given.

I put those good things to work in lots of ways...sometimes overcompensating by doing too much or being too much, but always coming to understand that I really had some gifts to give...and that I was really, really, REALLY, ok.

When I quit trying to be all things to all people, I began to feel better about myself and the world around me. My self-esteem shot up. My feeble attempts to be someone else were simply set aside.

Those of you who are trying to find your way and answer the questions of who you are...keep these things in mind. And those of you who feel good about yourself and what you have to offer, what you have done, it would be nice to hear how you came to terms with life as you know it. How did you find peace? And what is it that still motivates you to work hard, be a better person, or try to make a difference.

[Pburgh]

The same people that made me feel good about myself and helped me build my self esteem when I was young are the same people that motivate me to be a better person and do a better job - my parents. God gave me two terrific parents and I am blessed.

[Stephanie]

I NEVER had good self-esteem. When we moved into my parent's first new house out on Long Island when I was 6, it was a brand new neighborhood. There were alot of kids, and right away there cliques (yes, at that age) and bullies to contend with. I was always a good one to be picked on because I would cry - I didn't know WHAT I DID to make them mad at me or want to pick on me. I felt that I was doing something wrong so I went out of my way to "be nice" to them, just to have them pick on me and then my brother more. Finally as I got older I had more friends but I was always insecure.

Just before I moved to NJ I was a part of a "group" that made me feel wanted, special and good about myself - then my Dad dropped the bomb that we were moving. What I will never forget about that last day waiting at the bus stop with my friends crying and hugging is that further away was that same group of people that picked on me when I was younger, just looking and staring. I just looked back and then away, feeling pretty good and smug that I finally didn't give a hoot about them.

To this day I'm still looking for approval when I'm in unfamiliar territory, but I do remind myself when I'm down or feeling anxious of all of the things that I have overcome and accomplished. My depression is related to all of this in someway - either a cause or an affect and I believe that I was depressed as a child, though in those days in wasn't something to be discussed even as an adult.

All in all, it is something that I do deal with on a daily basis.

[Miss Mary]

Like you Steve, I had to develop my self esteem late in life. Growing up, I struggled in school at times. Ran with a bad crowd in 7th Grade, so much so my grades really slipped. I was failing. Could have taken summer classes but it was strongly recommended I repeat 7th Grade. At the time, I was even more confused and upset my parents would allow that. But in reality, it was one of the best things that ever happened to me! I've also been a late bloomer, and suddenly going to school with kids a year younger than me, was a perfect fit. As I went thru HS I'd look at the kids in my old grade, and they were so wild. Always being sent to the Principal's office, getting expelled, etc. All true. I made 2 very good friends in my Freshman year and to this day we're still good friends, over 30 years later. So I became the girl who got her driver's license first, could buy beer first, etc. But again they were good kids, so I turned out okay, I think! I of course married my HS Sweetheart at 20, so that was not okay. Didn't work out but all of these detours/hard knocks in life are what make us strong people, IMHO.

One important life lesson I've tried to impart on my children - you can't change others, only you can change how you relate to them. There's probably a better way to put that, but that's what I've tried to live by. The only person you can change or modify is yourself. Accepting others as they are and learning to live with their short comings, is a hard lesson to learn. But worth it, IMO.

Once again, good topic Steve.

Mary

[David]

I have like... no self esteem what so ever. At this point in life... your trying to get through school... you have a boyfriend or girlfriend, all the fun stuff.

I can get through school just fine.. but the frienship portion and fitting in portion of life just doesn't work for me.

I wrote this in an online diary thing.. it describes some of my recent life... some of you may not know the names.. they are just people I talk or did talk to.

Sometimes I wonder why me. Why all the girl problems? What have I done wrong? Is it my looks? My personality? Me all together? Kacey has a girlfriend. Why him? He did so many rude things to me last semester. I get nothing but hurt, and he has someone who he can love, and they love him back. Why me? I have very few friends, maybe because they don't like the way I look. My hair, my height, the people I talk to. Why me? Sure, i'm not like you, but you could still be nice and say hi if I say hi, and not be the one who trips me, or hits me, or steals from me. Why me? What did I do wrong that made me deserve all of this? Why me? I did nothing to Brian, he knew I liked her, but he still danced with her. Why me? If I have done you wrong, please tell me, i'll try to fix it. I just want someone to be there for me, someone to hug, go places with, do all those things couples do.. but no, I can't. All because I don't have the looks of the other dude, or I dress this way, or talk with these people.



Why me?


Also, my parents divorced in 1995... and me and my mom argue atleast once a month, when she is drunk, about my dad... and it doesn't help. Supposivly my dad steals, or did steal, from me. Alot of times my dad will drive after having some, or alot of beer, at night.. which I say a prayer every time I leave.. "please make it safely back.. please." My mom doesn't drive drunk, or at night, unless it's school related, so that I don't have to worry about.

With the diary entry thing I posted above.. it seems that my life, to me, is just unfair. Which I know the saying.., "Life is unfair, get use to it." But.. when I look at some other people... I get alot more crap then everyone else. Like yesterday, a kid just came up and kicked me. What the heck did I do? Sometimes God does stuff for a reason.. but I don't know what I did wrong to deserve this, this tortue, in life. I know alot of you had it hard back when.. war... economy... etc. And i'm not trying to sound "babyish". I just wish some people would actually care to see that people have feelings, and they don't know if they could "break the last straw" of someone.

[sunnyday]

I have little self esteem, either, although I have lots more than when I was in school. People were very cruel to me, and I am still too sensitive to others' opinions of me. I am easily hurt when people are hateful or negative toward me. It's not pleasant, to be sure.

[Erica]

I never had any problems with self esteem, or finding a boyfriend, (who I'm now married to) although I did have a rough time with my parents growing up. They were not always there for me, and we grew apart. I still talk to them, but they aren't a big part of my life.

I focused on things that made me happy (one of which, of couese, is meteorology, the other modeling but I got tired of that pretty fast), not only was I really interested in meteorology, I also found out quickly that I was very good at it as well. It was my outlet during hard times.

What I think the rest of you might like to try is finding what you do like, and what your good at. If you do this, I'm almost 100% sure that you will re-gain the confidence in yourself and be alot more happy as well. It's not always about one's looks or athletic ability. We as a society put too much emphasis on those two things, and we overlook what really counts, and that's what's on the inside. And you absolutely cannot let others bring you down with nasty comments. Most of the time their just doing that becuase of their own insecurity.

[Stormsfury]

Excellent post, Erica.

I've always had self-esteem issues, especially when growing up, being the isolationist ... and somewhat today, it's still there. I haven't been very lucky with relationships and also my own shyness, and self-esteem issues when trying to get to know a woman for more than just a friendship ...

But I feel well-accepted doing the weather, and also, music ... which BOTH give me quite a high when I'm "on" my game ...

[Miss Mary]

Ditto Mike - well said Erica (BTW, I never welcomed you to S2K before now or 'met' you before - Hello!).

David - your pain came thru loud and clear. The teen years are just so hard when you're trying to find your niche at school. Hate to use that word clique, but niche/clique possibly the same thing. Take Erica's advice to heart, find out what interests you, obviously you enjoy weather! And make the most out of that interest. My own oldest daughter struggles with relationships. We didn't allow her to date until she was 16 (same rule with my youngest too, she's only 13), now she's turning 17 soon. And has not had a boy show interest. Now couple that with what I did as a teen - tied myself down in my Junior year with a steady boyfriend, whom I married at 20, and well we think it's just flat-out okay that boys haven't started calling yet. Plenty of time for that later! BTW, my first marriage ended at age 28, I gave him 10 years of my life! That was just plain dumb, to speak teen lingo. What I wished I had been thinking back then was which college I would apply and get into. I wish I had studied far more than I did and joined more school clubs. Ask anyone older than 25 or 30 and they will say they would do things differently during their HS years. Be more social/outgoing, study harder, be less boy/girl crazy, etc. At no other time in your life will peer pressure be such an issue as it is during your HS years. Chin up, smile, be true to who you are and get those good grades. Try your best to forget the fellow classmates that are cruel - Erica's right. They have issues of their own when they're dishing out the criticism. I went to school with them too. I'm not trying to make light of what you're going thru. I know things are not the best at home. Perhaps we can become your family - come home from school and pour your heart out to us. And keep writing in that journal.

Mary

[furluvcats]

I too, want to say hello and welcome you Erica. I'm a native of Daytona, and go back often to visit my friends and family. Is this where you presently live?

I liked your comment about people taking negative comments too seriously. I myself have asked some of those who are quick to be nasty, to sit back and realize that they are being nasty to real people, and some people are not very self confident, have self esteem issues, and may be seriously and emotionally hurt by these drive-by nasty comments.

I've been fortunate to live a pretty fairy tale life, always had quality friends, a great family, and thought highly enough of myself to not get into the stupid things others were doing. You can take advantage of the resources available to you, to be a really positive, uplifting person. We all have the power to be a great person, a role model to others, and to leave a positive mark on those we come in contact with. I think being a kind, compassionate person, would help anyone with a self esteem issue. Azskyman sets a fine example to us all here at the boards.

Once you are content with the person you are, inside, your confidence levels will leap and bound.

[Stephanie]

Wonderful advice from Erica, SF, Miss Mary & Furry!

Actually David, alot of those same people you are admiring right now in school probably have alot of issues of their own but you are not aware of them or you are just focussing on what they do have that you don't.

Being a teenager is tough and add to that problems at home and it makes it that much harder. Some kids, like myself, needed more encouragement than others. When I think about it, when I was out of the negative environment at school and in my neighborhood and spending time with my cousin Christine who was 2 years older than me or my other best friends, Sandy & Susan, I felt very confident about myself then.

Like the others said, focus on the positives, the things you do excel at, to lift your esteem up. Chances are there's someone out there looking at you right now and jealous of something that you can do!

[azskyman]

I'm not surprised at the sincere expressions of pain associated with how people feel about themselves. I don't think there is anything worse than a put down by someone else unless it is a put down by someone else in FRONT of others.

I won't mention his name because some may recognize it, but when I was 42 years old a well known professor of meteorology at one of the top universities in this country tried to embarrass me in front of a group of my peers. In fact, in front of an audience of hundreds, at a conference in Silver Spring, Maryland.

Well, he did manage to embarrass me...but NOT me personally. Instead, by his own noisy ranting he embarrassed himself. I was getting apologies from people who knew him for the next couple of YEARS! To this day, when I see his name I think so much less of him. How he conducted himself told me more about who he really was than what his profession or position may be.

Mary is right. Erica (welcome, welcome to this forum...you had some wonderful wisdom to share) knows from experience, too. It is SO important to recognize the gifts you are given in your life and then finding ways to use them.

Not just for your own benefit (but your self esteem will grow anyway), but for the benefit of others.

Sometimes it is art or music. Sometimes it is writing. Sometimes it could be something as simple as how you smile at someone.

One more example, and then I'll fade away for now.

I had a young college student approach me about a year ago for an online interview about my experiences in Vietnam. I agreed to the interview.

When she sent me the questions I was simply knocked off my feet. Never had I seen such thoughtful and wonderful questions about the people who fought that war.

I asked this young lady if she was using questions provided by the teacher. She said "no, we're not allowed to do that for this class."

"You mean those are your very own questions?"

"Yes they are. I have always had concerns for Vietnam vets."

At 20 years old, she seemed to understand more than most people twice her age. Her gift was her understanding and compassion.

A year later, I have helped her through some tough times and tough days...and helped her with her own self esteem. But in reality, I'm simply finding ways to help her see the gifts she already has.

Erica...I never grow tired of seeing someone fall in love with weather and meteorology. There are hundreds of "closet meteorologists" who are afraid to show their interest and enthusiasm for it. What a gift you too can make it for others.

Enough for now. I am really impressed with the heart shown in these posts. Thank you, thank you...

[Anonymous]

We as a society put too much emphasis on those two things, and we overlook what really counts, and that's what's on the inside.

Agreed... too bad when you say "we as a society" it is indeed just that... nearly everyone is a conformist and does not take the time to think about what really matters, at least in my experience (which admittedly is currently high school where such a thought process is to be expected).

In response to the thread topic... I have had plenty of self-esteem issues up until recently. I'm 16 and have never had many friends at all, partially because I can't make them and partially because I don't have a real huge desire to have them anyway (both shyness and lack of desire to socialize). I've never shared many interests with my peers... partying, going to the latest popular movies just for the sake of saying you've seen them and are able to talk about it the next day, etc.... I've just never had any desire to do any of it. And while I can sometimes feel pretty bad after a full day of the crap that goes on at school, I don't really feel that I am a worthless person or anything... just that I am much different than the norm, which will admittedly make life difficult for me at times. Maybe in 5 or 10 years when people have jobs other and stuff to worry about aside from the vicious cycle of popularity and impressing the "in" crowd, life will be a little easier, so I'm by no means about to give up now... as far as I'm concerned, the best is probably yet to come.

In the end, I feel terrible for those who are going through serious issues with self esteem, but I wish they would realize something... what people think does NOT matter, especially considering how youth culture is... and this applies EVEN if 90% or more of people/peers scorn you. Do what you enjoy doing and forget the naysayers... I can understand not wanting to be mocked/picked on, which I hate as well... but when none of that is going on and you're just upset because you aren't popular and don't have a significant other at age 15 or 16, it's just not worth the stress IMO. If you stick with what you like to do and use your own brain when making decisions, you'll probably get far in life and all the things you want now will fall into place soon enough. I can't imagine living every second of my life mindlessly with every thought and emotion influenced by what the clique thinks and says... if you aren't doing that now, be damn glad you're smart enough to not fall into that pit... don't cry over it!

[Anonymous]

I have like... no self esteem what so ever. At this point in life... your trying to get through school... you have a boyfriend or girlfriend, all the fun stuff.

I can get through school just fine.. but the frienship portion and fitting in portion of life just doesn't work for me.

I wrote this in an online diary thing.. it describes some of my recent life... some of you may not know the names.. they are just people I talk or did talk to.

[i]Sometimes I wonder why me. Why all the girl problems? What have I done wrong? Is it my looks? My personality? Me all together? Kacey has a girlfriend. Why him? He did so many rude things to me last semester. I get nothing but hurt, and he has someone who he can love, and they love him back. Why me? I have very few friends, maybe because they don't like the way I look. My hair, my height, the people I talk to. Why me? Sure, i'm not like you, but you could still be nice and say hi if I say hi, and not be the one who trips me, or hits me, or steals from me. Why me? What did I do wrong that made me deserve all of this? Why me? I did nothing to Brian, he knew I liked her, but he still danced with her. Why me? If I have done you wrong, please tell me, i'll try to fix it. I just want someone to be there for me, someone to hug, go places with, do all those things couples do.. but no, I can't. All because I don't have the looks of the other dude, or I dress this way, or talk with these people.

David -- perfect example of what I was talking about it my last post. Your hair, your height, your personality... WHO CARES if the other teenagers at your school think highly of them or not! For the most part, teenagers our age are driven by mindless fads, cliques, etc. It DOES NOT MATTER! They are the ones who cannot think to save their own damn lives and should be completely ignored until further notice . I understand we all have natural desires for friendship, romance, etc., but it certainly isn't time to give up hope on those ever hapenning... it's a shame there aren't more people like you and me to make friends with... but since there aren't why preoccupy ourselves with trying to make morons accept us? Just the simple fact that you are intelligent and independent enough to develop an interest as unpopular as meteorology indicates to me that you have a great future ahead... it may not be till 10 years from now before your peers will finally focus on what matters and not arbitrary popularity standards... but just try to make it through.

A few months ago on another message board I came across a link to this great essay on today's public school system... despite the title, it has much more to say than just stuff about "nerds" . I'd recommend reading through it... the author has so many great points that almost perfectly mirror my feelings.

http://www.paulgraham.com/nerds.html

[Skywatch_NC]

During my school years...throughout grade, jr high and high school I always HATED recess (unlike most kids) and also gym, too. Felt like a humiliated scapegoat at times when it came to coordination and due to unathleticism...
for instance those blasted Bart Conner rings or pummel horse! On second thought I did enjoy playing tetherball during recess and chasing the girls...a pretty blonde stands out named Tammy! I loved art class especially and showing my creative skills in that realm. I've always had an advanced mathematics deficit (for ie. algebra, trig, calculus, fractions) etc., which is why I would never be able to get through a met program without going CRAZY and needing to set up some pyschiatrist appointments.

At 35 I was dx with Asperger Syndrome for which I attribute that "curse" er disorder to my inability of in-person social skills...for instance not having a girlfriend.

I haven't done too bad though over all and am a happily adjusted adult.

Eric

[sunnyday]

David, your post hit a nerve in me. I suffered much the same stuff you have, and nobody knows how awful it can feel. I want to encourage you to look toward the future, though, when you can be around people of like minds. Those twits who hassle you now will wind up at the bottom of the ladder, trust me. They are airheads whose opinions, though hurtful now, matter zero in the long run. Keep you head high and know that you have much to offer and that there will be people who like and love you just as you are. Just as I tell my students, life gets so much easier and better as we get older. Priorities are in place, and we can see people for who they are. If they are jerks, just let them be that way and put yourself above them where you belong.

[azskyman]

Brettj...terrific posts. We all need to hear that it's ok to be ourselves. Thanks for offering that experience.

...and sunnyday, your perspective on teaching is refreshing. I taught 10-12 year olds for ten years. Only when I left teaching did I really have the understanding you show here. Thanks for bringing that sunshine to this post. What grade do you teach?

Finally Eric...you have a wonderful perspective on life that always, ALWAYS refreshes me. When I was sitting across the table from young John (who has Aspergers as well) about 15 months ago, I felt as though you had given a piece of yourself to me...to help this neat little guy.

Haven't seen John since then. I need to find out how he's doing these days.

Terrific exchange. We can handle a heavier topic now and then. Plenty of lighter ones around if we need them.

[sunnyday]

Skyman, I am taken aback by your kind words. Thanks sincerely for your comments. I teach on the community college level. Best work in the world but a real challenge every day....

[furluvcats]

Eric,
I wanted to tell you that I've noticed a great improvement in you, on your communications on the boards over the years. You're taking control of your Asperger's Syndrome and not letting it hold you back, and it shows. I just wanted to let you know that I've noticed and I think it's wonderful! You're a fine example for the others.

Shannon

[ColdFront77]

Eric,
I wanted to tell you that I've noticed a great improvement in you, on your communications on the boards over the years. You're taking control of your Asperger's Syndrome and not letting it hold you back, and it shows. I just wanted to let you know that I've noticed and I think it's wonderful! You're a fine example for the others.

Shannon

Shannon, having Asperger's myself, corresponding with people online is easier to do than face to face.

It certainly helps me and I am trying to get my father to understand (my mother is more understanding) that I believe it is helpful. I have gotten a bit better in social situations, however, I am not really going anywhere because there aren't many people to interact with even 10 years younger to under 55 year olders in my area.