Oil Change

[TexasStooge]

Oil Change instructions for Women:

1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.

2) Drink a cup of coffee.

3) 15 minutes later write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

Money spent:
Oil Change $35.00
Coffee $1.00
Total $36.00


Oil Change instructions for Men:

1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50.00.

2) Stop by 7 - 11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20.00, drive
home.

3) Open a beer and drink it.

4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.

5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.

6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.

7) Place drain pan under engine.

8 ) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.

9) Give up and use crescent wrench.

10) Unscrew drain plug.

11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil. Splash hot oil on face and arms in process. Cuss.

12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.

13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.

14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.

15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.

16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.

17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Decide to finish oil change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage door opener work.

18 ) Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil change." Drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole in backyard instead of taking it to recycle.

19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.

20) Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.

21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer.

22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.

23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.

24) Remember drain plug from step 11.

25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.

26) Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the backyard along
with drain plug.

27) Drink beer.

28 ) Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel oily patch of ground and avoid environmental penalties. Wash drain plug in lawn mower gas.

29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.

30) Drink beer.

31) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.

32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.

33) Begin cussing fit.

34) Throw stupid crescent wrench.

35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss August (2002) in the left boob.

36) Beer.

37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.

38 ) Beer.

39) Beer.

40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.

41) Beer.

42) Lower car from jack stands.

43) Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.

44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during steps 23-43.

45) Beer.

46) Test drive car.

47) Get pulled over:..... arrested for driving under the influence.

48 ) Car gets impounded.

49) Call loving wife, make bail.

50) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.

Money spent:
Parts $50.00
DUI $2500.00
Impound fee $75.00
Bail $1500.00
Beer $40.00
Total-- $4165.00
But at least you know the job was done right!!

[Josephine96]

That's funny. and the silly part is it's probably true for a lot of guys. Women spend less money for oil changes than guys do.. lol

[Colin]

LOL...that's good!

[coriolis]

Birthday Cake instructions for Men:

1. Drive to local grocery store, go to "day old" section of bakery.

2. Look for a suitable cake. No one will care that it's a football cake for a girl.

3. Pay $4.00 cash.

4. Go home

5. Eat.


Total time: 15 minutes
Total cost: $4.00


Birthday cake Instructions for Women

1. Look for cookbook
2. Spend 30 minutes looking through cookbook
3. Call a friend to help decide what to make
4. Look through kitchen to find all the ingredients
5. Drive to local grocery store. Walk through bakery section with a feeling of superiority.
6. Spend 30 minutes looking for baking powder and cake decorations.
7. Get chocolate
8. Get new cake pan set
9. Get shortening
10. Check out. Write check for $37.00
11. Stop at department store.
12. Buy a new mixer because one of your mixer
blades is lost. Write check for $28.00
13. Go back to grocery store go to bakery section and look around for ideas.
14 Go home
15. Call friend again, see what she thinks
16. Time for "Trading spaces"
17. Double episode. Watch Trading spaces for an hour.
18. Call friend, talk about how they did the rooms on Trading Spaces.
19. Get out cookbook
20. Find recipie.
21. Don't like the store bought frosting. Decide to make home made frosting.
22. go back to grocery store.
23. Get confectioners sugar. No more checks in check book.
24. Go to ATM machine.
25. Go back to grocery store get confectioners sugar.
26. Go home.
27. Can't get new mixer to work
28. Threw away the instructions
29. Call friend.
30. Mix batter by hand.
31. Better wash those new pans
32. Put in oven, noting that husband needs to clean oven.
33. Forgot candles.
34 go back to grocery store. Use debit card for $1.99
35. In a hurry, have a minor accident in the parking lot
36. Other person fakes injury
37. Wait for police
38. Give report to police
39 Arrive home 3 hours later.
40. Cake burned.
41. Call friend
42. Go back to grocery store go to bakery section
43. Buy fresh cake, write check for $12.00
44. Go home
45. Eat cake
46. Pay $3,000 to fix car
47. Car insurance goes up $1,000
48. Other person in accident sues
49. Hire Lawyer pay $2,000 retainer
50. Settle out of court for $10,000

Total time: 9 months
Total cost $16,080.49
Husband still hasn't cleaned oven

[Guest]

LOL at both jokes.

[stormchazer]

So true..Its tough being a man.

[LMolineux]

Oil Change instructions for Women:


21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer.

Wish that was easy to do here to walk toa 7-11 and buy beer but in PA you can only buy beer at bars and Pizza Shops and Beer Distributers. We dont have beer or liquor or wine in Supermarkets either.

[David]

LOL That was hillarious.

[TexasStooge]

LOL coriolis!