Another thread about my dad since Ive been missing him a lot

[weatherlover427]

In January of this year, my dad passed away of complications from very small arteries in his heart. He was only 47. He also had a history of high blood pressure and other various ailments. I feel that it was not his time to go; however I do feel that I contributed to his early passing by all of the stress that I put on both him and his second wife (my stepmom). By that I mean my going off, misbehaving in school, utter defiance of authority, etc. I feel really bad about that, and I honestly feel that if I had behaved better, my dad might not have passed on so early. :sorry:

The day that I found out about his passing was Tuesday, January 7th, 2003. It started out like any other normal Tuesday would - sunny, mild, and cheerful. I was not working at the time, so I was at home at about 11:30 AM or so (approx. time) when the 3 biggest people who run the company that I work for and live in came into my apartment. They sat down, along with my staff; and Lou (my big boss and also the president of the company) began by saying "Your stepmom couldn't get a hold of you last night to tell you this, so we are going to tell you instead. Last night, between 6:30 to 7:00 PM; your father passed away." My initial reactions: :wacko: and :mellow: . I didn't believe it. I said "You are joking, right?" Reply" "No, it isn't a joke." The tears began to flow and I didn't stop for a good 5-10 minutes. I had loved my dad so much that I couldn't believe he was - poof - gone. :sorry: The saddest thing is twofold: 1) I had just gotten back from seeing him at Christmastime a week ago (Dec. 31st); and 2) I had talked to him just 30-45 MINUTES prior to the moment that he died!!! OMG that freaks me out to this day thinking about that last bit.:o Apparently he didn't feel that well, so he tried to get out of bed; but he rolled over and fell off; but by that time he was gone. :sorry: The paramedics couldn't save him. :sorry:

His passing was tragic to us all as a family. My stepmom hasn't even mentioned getting re-married once yet. This was very hard on her, because my dad was the man of her dreams. They had everything going for them - my dad was making so much money that she didn't have to work. That was a nice thing. Not only that, but they had it made where they lived - Orlando, FL. My dad had a great job and was in great standing at his company. When his co-workers found out about his death; a good 50% of them or more got up and left for the day. :sorry: That's how important my dad was, and it shows how respected he was in the company.

I haven't been able to let go of his passing entirely just yet. Sometimes the mere mental image of him smiling makes me break down and bawl my eyes out. There are times when I don't think much about it; but at others I can't let go of the thought. I wonder if this is normal behavior or not... :wacko:

*skips the trip preparation*

The time spent in Florida was very sad as well. It was nice to see some family friends again; but the real underlying reason for our reuniting was on everyone's minds. Our flight from Los Angeles International got into Orlando International at about 4:30 PM Eastern time. We got our bags (after one of them was lost on the way :| ), and got settled in at a family friend's house. It was nice to be back in the area again that I used to frequent, even if it was for such a reason as this.

The funeral was on Saturday, January 11th. It was a fittingly cool and mostly cloudy day. It was a hard decision to make (and hopefully the only one like that I'll have to make for a looooooooooong time); but I did decide to see him in the casket and say goodbye. That was an eerie feeling, but I felt that I had to pay my final respects to the man who had helped me get to where I was today.

I did not get to see the burial since my dad was cremated and buried at a military cemetery 3 hours North of Orlando about 2 1/2 weeks after the funeral (I could only stay until the Monday after the funeral). What I had already gone through was more than enough, so I highly doubt that I would want to have seen it anyway.

If I may, I'd like to post a few remembrance words in memory of my father:

Dear Dad, I will never forget you for the things that you did for me. You have done so much for me that I owe you more than you'll ever know. It wasn't your time to go but you were called home for a reason. I am glad that you helped me get to where I am today, and I am thankful for that. I hope to meet you again someday in eternity. With Love, Your son Joshua

[janswizard]

Oh, Josh, your post brings tears to my eyes. I'm so very sorry you lost your dad. I know it sounds very cliche but things do get easier as time goes by. {{{hugs}}}

jan

[Miss Mary]

Joshua - I really wish many of us here could just sit down with you. And let you pour all of this out. But our message boards are the next best thing. I'm touched that you feel this comfortable with us to share all of this with us - the shock you still feel that your Dad is gone, the funeral, the unspoken words you would like him to hear, how much you miss him to this day. Remember I shared in your last topic similar to this one, I too lost my Dad 15 years ago. We lost my dad within 5 weeks of realizing he had cancer and nothing could be done. And he had a bad heart too. While I know you would love to have had those 5 weeks with your dad, they were far too short for us to really comprehend what was really going on. We knew our Dad was terminally ill but there were days it just wasn't sinking in. I missed him terribly for a long, long time. At least several good years. I'd cry at any moment. Driving seemed to be the time it would all come out for me. If I can offer any advice to you, I'd suggest letting it out like this. Writing letters to your dad is very helpful. When you're done, tuck them away to read again at a later point in time. Spend time with your family and lean on them. Your Step-mom sounds very nice. People will tell you it takes time to get over a shock like this. If you want my sincere opinion on this, I believe you never really get over a shock like losing your parent suddenly at such a young age (47 is way too young Josh). In time, the pain you are feeling does subside, but the shock is there years later. It will surface during holidays and special remembrances. Sometimes it's almost best to realize we don't understand why people are taken from us at such young ages (we lost a nephew at age 16 just a year ago, car accident). And to firmly believe they are in Heaven and in God's loving care. I hope in time your pain subsides a little. It never really goes away but the good memories you have of your Dad will far outweigh the sadness you are feeling right now. It just takes time to get to that point.

Hugs and prayers going out to you.

Mary

[Rainband]

Joshua.. First let me say I am sorry for your Loss. My father died at 47 as well. He had colon cancer for 5 years and back in the late 70's and early 80's the treatments weren't as advanced. I just remember all the good times and memories...I keep them in my heart and by doing so keep my father "alive" so to speak. May God Bless you and comfort you until you two can be together again!! God Speed Bud

[Colin]

Dude...I know it's hard. I lost my FAVORITE Grandfather a while ago...I used to always look forward to seeing him and being with him...but for some reason, I wasn't that sad because I kind of knew it was going to happen.

Anytime you feel like it, you can talk to me bro...or anyone...we're all here for you and love you.

[Pburgh]

Joshua, I wish I could reach across the miles and give you a big hug. Losing someone we love so much breaks our hearts. As many others here, my father died at age 52 and I just lost my fiance' 2 years ago to a heart attack.

Please, please don't ever feel that you were to blame. Your actions had nothing to do with his death. God just wanted to take him home. We can't question, we can only accept God's will.

I never knew why in the "olden days" people wore black mourning arm bands for a long time after their loved one had died. I think we should restart this tradition. I've broken down many times in public places and people look at me like I'm a "loony tune". If I had one of those arm bands on, I think others would understand and be more accepting of my situation. I'd just kinda pull it outa my purse and put it on when my eyes start to well up and the tears start pouring down my cheeks. Then when the flood subsides, I'd take it off my arm and stick it back in my purse.

It's wonderful that you can write down your feelings. Mary is so right about writing letters or keeping a journel. That's very cathartic.

Think of all the wonderful memories you have of your Dad. Hang tight to those. They may make you cry now but soon they will bring warmth, love and healing to your heart.

We're here for ya my friend
((HUGS))
Karan

[Danaus]

Josh, my heart goes out to you. I never really knew my dad or his family but I know your relationship with your dad was something special. Let yourself mourn, there will always be that hole in your life. As time goes by you learn to deal with it better, but it is still there. My grandpa, closest thing to a dad in my life, has been gone 5 years now and I still find myself reaching for the phone to call him.

Pburgh, I agree. Let's bring back the black armbands for mourners. After reading all this I'ld put mine on.

[JCT777]

Josh - I understand how hard it is for you. I lost my mother when I was 17, and it was not easy. Things will get better as time goes by. And we are all here for you whenever you need someone to talk to.

My father died at 47 as well. He had colon cancer for 5 years and back in the late 70's and early 80's the treatments weren't as advanced.

Wow! That is very similar to the experience in my family. My mother was 47 when she died of complications from colon cancer back in 1986. Now that I am in my mid-30's, I am making sure I get tested for this every few years. If it is to happen to me, I would hope that early detection will help.

[StormCrazyIowan]

Wow, Josh! I didn't even know!! I am so sorry for your loss!! Your post made me teary-eyed too! If you ever need someone to talk to, I am here! NO matter what- that's what friends are for!

[pojo]

Josh, your post made me teary eyed. I realized that a family passing is horrible...and with that comes times for readjustment.

[GulfBreezer]

Josh,
My dad died 9 years ago and one of the things I have learned from that is that it is okay to mourn. The feelings you have are normal and they need to be felt. Your dad is very proud of you and would not want you to have those feelings of guilt, but I think you know that! Loss is tragic and Faith gets us through!

[azsnowman]

Josh.....by all means, YOU are not responsible for your fathers passing, don't EVER blame yourself, the Lord saw it fit for him to be called home, his work here was done!

My mother was called home over 9 years ago, I still miss her, always will. My father had to make the choice, let her live the way she was or pull the plug so to speak. She was totally bedriden for the last 2 years of her life, strokes, diabeties, cancer hit her all at once. The last 4 months of her life, she couldn't talk, couldn't respond in anyway. She developed an infection that antibiotics wouldn't take care of, all they did was keep her alive. My father made the choice, he quite giving her her meds, within 3 days, she passed on.

Death is a hard thing to deal with, I don't handle it very well at all, family, friends, pets.......bottom line Brother, it's OK to mourn and PLEASE don't blame yourself, PLEASE???

Dennis

[Stephanie]

Josh - don't ever feel sorry or guilty for missing your father. Please don't blame yourself - it was his time, no matter how young he was. He knows how much you love and miss him and I'm sure that he's hugging you right now. By sharing your feelings with us, YOUR FRIENDS, on this board, it's helping you to heal. Keep posting about your father as much as you want. Remember the fun times you shared with him. Do you have any special memories? I'd love to hear them!

[stormchazer]

I moved back home (same city) after 9 years because I decided that I wanted to spend time with him while he was still healthy. I've been home for 11 months, golf 2x a week with him and plenty of Bucs game. Hang in there Joshua...you will meet again someday.

[coriolis]

Josh, know that we are with you and supporting you. Do what you need to do. If you need to talk, there's lots of us here that are listening. Being open like this allows the necessary things to happen.

I haven't yet reached that event in my life, so I can't relate fully. Also, I was never that close to my father, like you were. I'm afraid that when it happens for me, it won't be such an emotional event. I'll take this as a reminder to make sure my kids have good memories.

Thanks for sharing.

[weatherlover427]

I have to admit reading all of these replies got me teary eyed again. You all care so much that it amazes me. I am very thankful for the outpouring of love, care, and support that you gave me here. It is much appreciated. I will definitely let any or all of you know if I ever need to talk. Thanks again!

[azskyman]

Joshua

The most painful part of your wonderful writings is that you are blaming yourself, that you feel as though you weren't who you should have been back then. Take Dennis' word for it, my friend. It was not your fault then, it is not your fault now.

My mom died suddenly at age 56. She had been angry at me for two weeks and hadn't spoken to me until the night she took ill. For many years after her death, and maybe even still a tiny bit today, there was a huge burden on me for not making peace with her before she died. Losing a parent when they are angry is so very unsettling.

I have come to discover that there is very much about my mother that still lives in me. I share many of her values. And I know she would be sincerely proud not of what I have done, but of who I have become.

Your father, Joshua, is somewhere beaming down on you as you grow in wonderful ways even in his absence. We here at Storm2k have witnessed it. Not only would he be proud if he were here, but you need to know he IS proud of you in his absence.

You have a whole life out in front of you, and you are still learning in your loss. There is continuity in life from grandfather to father to son and beyond. And you are carrying a wonderful light with you.

I could get teary-eyed too in what you wrote...but I chose instead to see a new strength growing.

You will miss your father for the rest of your life and find yourself wondering how it would have all been so different if he were still here.

But take a rest, Joshua, from any guilt you may carry. You have no fault at all in what has happened.

Thanks for coming forward with such an important message. Never ever have I seen this kind of interaction and trust among a group of people so diverse. You are an amazing testimony to the wonders of Storm2k.

There is simply no better way to celebrate the power of this board than to see a member so comfortable that he can share the pain in his soul.

God bless you Josh.

azskyman

[raine]

Well said...wisdom shared from experiences of one's heart, priceless and precious...

Amen and again Amen!

God Bless you Josh

Love in Christ, Raine

[Lindaloo]

Sorry Josh, I just saw this. You should never blame yourself for this. You should feel honored that you got to talk to him. I know I would. Keep your chin up.

(((HUGS)))

God Bless you buddy!!

[sunnyday]

Josh,
Have you tried prayer? God can comfort you in a way no one else can.
Bless you!