#22 Postby blizzard » Thu Oct 16, 2003 1:01 am
Southern Living
1. That slope-shouldered farm boy did more work before
breakfast than you do all week at the gym.
2. It's called a 'gravel road.' No matter how slow you
drive, you're going to get dust on your Navigator.
Drive it or get it out of the way.
3. The red dirt - it's called clay. Red clay. If you
like the color, don't wash your car for a couple weeks
it'll be permanent. The big lumps of it, they're
called "clods."
4. We all started hunting and fishing when we were
seven years old. Yeah, we saw Bambi. We got over it.
5. Any references to 'corn fed' when talking about our
women will get you whipped - by our women.
6. Go ahead and bring your $600 Orvis Fly Rod. Don't
cry to us if a flathead breaks it off at the handle.
We have a name for those little 13-inch trout you fish for
- bait.
7. Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot.
8. Men, if you want to wear earrings, pierce your nose
and whatever, and wear your hair long, go right
ahead-but if we call you ma'am, don't be offended.
9. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of mallards
are making their final approach, we will shoot it. You
might want to ensure it's not up to your ear at the
time.
10. That's right, whiskey is only two bucks. We can
buy a fifth for what you paid in the airport for one
drink.
11. No, there's no 'Vegetarian Special' on the menu.
Order steak. Order it rare. Or, you can order the
Chef's Salad and pick off the two pounds of ham and
turkey.
12. Tea - yeah, we have tea. It comes in a glass over
ice and is sweet. You want it hot - sit it in the sun.
You want it unsweetened - add a lot of water.
13. You bring Coke into my house, it better be brown,
wet, and served over ice.
14. So you have a sixty-thousand dollar car. We're
real impressed. We have quarter of a million dollar
combine that we only use two weeks a year.
15. Let's get this straight. We have one stoplight in
town. We stop when it's red. We may even stop when
it's yellow.
16. Our women hunt, fish, and drive trucks - because
they want to. So, you're a feminist. Isn't that cute.
17. We eat dinner together with our families, we pray
before we eat (yeah, even breakfast), we go to church
on Wednesdays and Sundays, we go to high school
football games on Friday nights, we still address our
seniors with 'yes, sir' and 'yes, ma'am', and we
sometimes still take Sunday drives around town to see
friends and neighbors.
18. We don't do 'hurry up' well.
19. Greens - yeah, we have greens, but you don't putt
on them. You boil them with either salty fatback or a
ham hock.
20. Yeah, we eat catfish, bass, bream, and carp, too.
You really want sushi and caviar? It's available at
the bait shop.
21. They are pigs. That's what they smell like. Get
over it. Don't like it? Interstates 65 and 75 go two
ways - Interstates 10, 20 and 40 go the other two.
Pick one.
22. Grits are corn. You put butter, salt, and maybe
some pepper on them. OR for a change, red-eye gravy.
You want to put milk and sugar on them, then you want cream of
wheat - go to Kansas.That would be I-40 West.
23. The 'Opener' refers to the first day of deer
season or dove season. Both are holidays. You can get
pancakes, cane syrup, and sausage before daylight at
the church on either day.
24. So every person in every pickup waves? Yeah, it's
called being friendly. Understand the concept?
25. Yeah, we have golf courses. Don't hit in the water
hazards. It spooks the fish and bothers the gators -
and if you hit it in the rough, we have these things
called Diamondbacks, and they're not baseball players.
26. That Highway Patrol Officer that just pulled you
over for driving like an idiot - his name is 'Sir,' no
matter how young he is.
27. We have lots of pine trees. They have sap. It
drips from them. You park your Navigator under them,
and they'll leave a logo on your hood.
28. You burn an American flag in our state, you get
beat up. No questions. The liberal contingent of our county
passed a measure to stop this. There is now a $10 fine for
beating up the flag burner.
Now, enjoy your visit... Y'all come back now, ya heah!!!
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