You are blaming yourself for your father's passing because you weren't as good as you were supposed to be. I'm assuming that you were in your teens at that time. We can all remember how we were as teens and I can probably vouch for everyone that those years weren't the best for parent/child relationships for any of us.
I moved from Long Island when I was 15 during the middle of 10th grade to NJ. I WAS NOT a happy camper! I was in high school, I had started to hang out with some great friends and felt apart of a crowd, when for many years during elementary school and somewhat through middle school and was picked on. My father wanted to move out of NY and into NJ, even though all of our family was still on Long Island. Well, for the next year and a half, I turned to drugs, I cut class, was suspended, my grades that were a"s and B's fell to B's and C's. I gained weight and just didn't care. I was lashing out. FORTUNATELY, the girls I began to hangout with when I moved here that weren't a great influence for me moved away and I slowly woke up. I got tired of feeling sorry for myself. The point is, you were a teenager, still a kid and going through growing pains. You were going through what all teenagers were going through during those years. It was normal and though your father passed away, no matter how good or bad you were, he still would've died.
I hope that helped alittle bit Josh!
I really appreciate all of your thoughts, prayers, and concern. 
